As you can see by the title this weeks #coffeeshopthoughts it isn't a particularly happy one and something I have put off writing about for a long time. I have put off writing about it because one I didn't feel I had the right words and for a long time I didn't have any answers I was just not feeling well to say the least.
I have very briefly spoken about this in some of my blogposts in the last year but since about this time last year I started to have vertigo. It came on out of the blue it seemed ( not really when I look back) and I had no idea why or what had caused it and it was not going away. This was the scariest thing I have ever dealt with and it shook me to my core and still does at times. In this year I have seen probably 10-12 different doctors, had more then two doctors appointments a month for this entire year trying to figure out the cause of this vertigo. In seeing all those doctors and going through all these tests there were 2 possibilities. 1) being vertiginous migraines or 2) a small hole in one of the canals in my ear that was allowing air that wasn't supposed to be there mess with my balance.
Fast forward to last week, I started a new job on Monday and it was EXTREMELY stressful and hard. I woke up at 5:45am to catch the hour long train journey to work then worked 8+ hours and then get on an hour long train journey home. By the time I got home I thought my head was going to explode and was so dizzy I could hardly stand. I woke up the next morning with the worst migraine I have ever had in my entire life. I spent the next 3 days in bed(literally) until I could get an appointment with a migraine specialist.
So I went to see her and long story short after a year long of wondering and agonizing what could be the cause of all the dizziness and suffering she diagnosed me with vertiginous migraines and prescribed medicine for it.
Now the hard part for me to write about, having a diagnosis you would think would bring me some happiness or resolution and it has and it has not at the same time. Migraines and vertiginous migraines are a chronic illnesses and it is something I will have for the rest of my life. You can take medication for it and do all the right things to try to prevent them but the doctor said you will still get them anyway. ( that is everyone not just me btw).
I only found this out a week ago so I still am very raw about learning that I will have something for my whole life. It has brought me a lot of sadness that you probably would never know based on my instagram. You wouldn't know that behind the selfies, outfit posts, coffee shots, the pain, worry, and sadness I have been dealing with. When you or or a family member get something that is chronic it doesn't just effect that one person it effects everyone and everything in your life.
I have since had to quit that new job I started because the stress alone was giving me unbearable migraines. I worry about the burden I put on my loving boyfriend because now he has to think about the things that are triggers for me and same with my family.
I am writing this very long post to you guys to share whats on my heart and to talk about the big learning curve and process there is when you have to change major parts of your life. I now cannot eat chocolate, drink caffeine or wine or eat a mile long list of foods I loved. This might not seem major to you but I LOVED all of the things I've had to give up. I have to carry "emergency" migraine relieving medicine with me everywhere I go now. And that just takes away the headache, I am still left with the dizziness.
I am not saying these things for pity in anyway, I am just sharing this with anyone who wants to read it and might be dealing with something everyday. It is a struggle and there will be a multitude of times you'll want to live in someone else's life for just a day because yours seems too hard to deal with but just ride those days out because the fog will clear and you'll feel good one day and all those hard days will allow you to cherish that one good day even more.
If you are still reading up to this point you are a champ haha and if you want me to write more on how I deal with this I will or how I eat on a "migraine diet" let me know. I hope if you are struggling know you aren't alone.